What if I forget?
by TalkWhenYoureDead
Summary: Eli is haunted by memories of his dead ex girlfriend, Julia and his time together before she died. He doesn't want to take his meds and some part still thinks of her alive, other half, dead. Which side will he choose?
1. Chapter 1

My name is Eli, Eli Goldsworthy of Degrassi Community School. Lots of problems go on at that school, but none like mine.

Me? I suffer from bipolar disorder. I take medication. My emotions go through the roof at the worst times. I know Clare doesn't want to get back with me anymore, because of my emotions. And my love for my dead ex-girlfriend.

But I shouldn't care. Should I? Everyone tells me I shouldn't. But I do.

I can't help it. I just can't. This is what happens when I'm alone. My mind eats me alive. And I can't stop it.

My feelings are so strong, that I don't even know what to do, or what to feel, or what to think anymore. It's like a black cloud of darkness has consumed me.

I'm not crazy if I feel this way, right? About someone or something? Right?

My therapist tells me that I should move on. If I can, that is. But the problem is that I can't. We were talking, her and me. She told me that I was having a manic episode at the play, my very own creation, called 'Love Roulette'. That's when I knew I had bipolar disorder.

At school, I had to apologize to Jake, Clare, Fiona and Imogen. It worked, surprisingly.

A few months later, I thought I was good again, when Imogen and I went out. I was wrong. I went on an excessive spending spree and sold my dad's most prized possession, his guitar.

After I lashed out on Imogen, accusing her of cheating, when she was at Fiona's, I apologized. Her and I stayed friends, thankfully. But for some reason, I still think about Clare…And Julia of course. Don't ask me why, but I just do.

I want to forget, but it's just so hard. I just can't no matter how hard I try. Being bipolar doesn't help my case either. I'm taking my meds though. I'm trying to let go. But I always see Clare at Degrassi. But I always see Imogen too.

I told Fiona that I was over Clare. I'm not. I'll never be. I told Imogen that I was over Clare. I'm not. I told Adam that I was over Clare. I'll never be.

I look back on how much it killed me that we couldn't be together, Clare and me, but by taking my meds, I've controlled those feelings. Or at least, I think I have. I'm not really sure anymore. But I'm holding myself together, for everyone's sake.

Do I think that Clare and I will get back together? Yes. Do I think that we'd last a long time? Highly doubtful. Will I stop at nothing to be able to _at least _have a chance with Clare? Yes.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the life I live. Me, Elijah Goldsworthy.


	2. Chapter 2

**I see the way they look at me. I can see it in their eyes. They hate me. They always have. I know it.**

** I hate how everyone judges someone. For example, someone who believes in no religion. No God, No Devil, nothing. Yet, everyone calls you a devil worshipper. And that's not how it works.**

** I hope I don't go have an episode on anyone though. I can't have anyone hate me because of my stupidity. The controlling of my own mind mocks me, entirely. But it's not my fault, right? It's not my fault I'm an Atheist, right? **

___"But what if I need that?" I asked hurriedly. Clare glanced at me, holding the binder in her hands._

_ "Then you just tell me. I'll get you another." She reasoned, dropping the binder in the box. _

_ I gulped. She noticed._

_ "Eli, it's going to be okay. We're going to get through this, together." Clare grasped my shaking hand in hers. Just like that, we kissed. _

Cold sweat drenched my body as I shot up in my bed, throwing off my covers in a panic-stricken state. "Memories, they're all just memories." I reminded myself. Sighing, I swung my legs to the side of the bed, as I sat up right, facing the same way.

Large black shirt and grey boxers were my choice of clothing for sleep. Always. Ever since Jul- I can't even say her name without feeling horrible. It's what we always got 'comfortable' in.

Shaking my head, I desperately tried to wash those painful memories away. They hurt too much. But those of Clare…

No. Eli Goldsworthy, snap out of it. You're never going to love again. You're always going to be this way. You're always going to be different. You're always going to be bipolar.

My hair came as a curtain in front of my eyes as I found my lighter and flicked it on. Exhaling, I studied the colorful glimmering flame. Beautiful fire that flickers in that remarkable flame.

I descended down the stairs quietly, so I wouldn't wake Bullfrog or Cece. I grabbed my bike and helmet as I headed for the one place that I could be alone. The Dot, after hours. I need to think about Clare, and what we could be.

If we could _ever_ be.

To shake those negative feelings away, I pedaled around to the front of The Dot. I rested my bike against the place where I sat down, the sidewalk next to the entrance of The Dot.

Suddenly, I thought of my ex girlfriend. No, not Clare, my very first ex girlfriend.

Julia. Oh Julia. I remember almost everything that happened between us, before that night that tragically ended her, the one thing I still blame myself for, even to this day.

_ "Eli! Time for bed!" I could hear Bullfrog yell from the kitchen. Just before I was about to head upstairs, there as a knock on my door. I raced back to the front door and opened it. Standing there, was my best friend, and first, now, girlfriend, Julia. She was uncontrollably sobbing._

_ I brought her into my arms before she could even utter, "Eli." _

_ "What's wrong?" I asked, rubbing her back._

_ "My mom and I got into a fight. Is it okay if I stay here for the night?" She asked._

_ "Can she?" I asked, my tone pleading, turning to Bullfrog. He looked immensely displeased, but nodded._

_ "Thank you Mr. Goldsworthy." She gave a small smile. I grinned and kissed her on the cheek. I could tell she blushed._

_ "Just don't do anything with Julia. Elijah Goldsworthy, that means you!" Bullfrog barked._

_ "Bullfrog, we're not going to do anything, trust me." I assured him as Julia and I headed up the stairs to my room._

_ As I softly closed the door, Julia's lips pressed against my own, planting a tender kiss on my lips. She backed my body up against the wall as I clicked the lock on the door of my room._

I woke up in my room. Rubbing my head, I fix my eyes on the ceiling. Then, I got the picture of Julia. "Julia." I pressed my lips softly against the photo, knowing that whatever I did, I couldn't get her back.

As I was removing the photo from the frame, I felt tears well in my eyes. "Please come back!" I cried, gripping the frame in my hand.

"COME BACK!" I screamed, and just like that, I threw the frame against the wall, the glass shattering into a million pieces.

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I must've pedaled all the way back to the house, crept up the stairs and fallen asleep for a while, all while memories of Julia and me flooded and dominated my train of thought.

My eyes fixed on the shattered picture frame as I picked up the unharmed photo of Julia. I instantly dropped to my knees. Memories of Julia and me flooded my mind, once again.

_"E-Eli!" Julia gasped as she panted against my bare chest. My bitten nails dug into her back as she let out a small moan._

_ I heard loud knocking from the other side of the door. "Elijah Goldsworthy, you'd better not be doing what I think you're doing in there!" Bullfrog yelled._

_ Julia and I straightened up, despite me being shirtless. Bullfrog came in, looking furious._

_ "Elijah!" he roared. I winced at the sound of his voice._

_ "Julia, you've been with him long enough for tonight!" he directed her out the door._

_ "Bullfrog!" I cried as Julia left, out of my house. _

_ "Eli, I'm only doing this for you because I don't want you to get hurt." Bullfrog's tone sounded like he was pleading._

_ "I'm never going to get hurt while I'm with Julia." I defended, tears running down my face._

_ "You don't know that! You're only 15!"_

_ "Just get out, just go." I growled._

_ As soon as Bullfrog exited my room, I quickly threw on a loose shirt as I jumped out my window, in search of Julia. I found her at the top of a hill. We kissed as she whispered into my ear, "We almost got caught that time." _

_ "At lease we've done it before." I smirked._

I decided to peel off my shirt, concluding that I'd sleep in boxers. As I hit the bed, in a sorrowful mood, I soon drifted off to sleep. I'm only human, so why I do I feel this way?


End file.
